"Overwhelmed" seems to sum it up. I'm looking for a job and can't seem to find one, and money would solve several of my problems - personally and for security. My life seems to have gone through some sudden changes and there are a few more to come in the next few days. I'm using my mom's car around San Marcos so I've been feeling a new sense of independence, as cheesy as that may seem. I'm done with my required course hours towards graduation so I am not enrolled in any classes. Up to this point, it's been important to me to work hard in school and do my assignments on time and make A's on all of my exams... but that's all gone now. It's a relief to not have to deal with all of that, but at the same time, it's what I used to live for. I grew up a sheltered schoolgirl.
Also, college graduation is about 4 months away. I'm nervous and scared of what might be on the other side... well, more like what might not be on the other side (a steady job with a good salary and benefits). As an audio engineer, a young one with hardly enough experience to be considered a professional, there is only so much I can do out in the real world, and only so much of that feels right to me. I'm not trying to downplay my acquired skills/talents, but I'm trying to be realistic about my situation.
Because of all this, I realized that skills/talents don't have to be obtained through classrooms and teachers. So I've been putting my programming knowledge to practice and reading as much as I can to learn new things about my field every day. It's just tough knowing that I won't be tested/rewarded for it at the end of the day - this is an "in the long run" kind of thing.
You know, this is off-topic, but it's been so difficult for me to type up a blog so far this year. I don't know what to talk about. Some things in my personal life need not be displayed for all to read online. I used to be so comfortable with that when I first started blogging in 2004 (dang, 8 years ago!). It's not a matter of keeping secrets but a matter of being professional. Professionals don't display their emotions on the internet. Oh, to be young and innocent again. I think we'd all like to go back to those days.
I'm going to wrap this up by saying I wish I was a better person - I wish I would put my money where my mouth is every time. I slip up. I forget things. I get lazy. I pretend I have until the end of time to get things done. The truth is, our time is running out and I'm just wasting it all on sitting around in solitude - I do it while I'm working, I do it while I'm relaxing. I leave barely any time for friends. I have a lot of things on my list of New Year's resolutions, but this is one I must mention. I want to reach out to my old friends and close up the space between us, I want to be closer to my current friends, and I want to be better at making new friends. Hopefully 2012 will be the year for relationships for me.
